Cordially Delicious Cookies

So when someone invites you to a board games party, what do you do?

Make cookies, of course!

I flipped through all my cookbooks to find a sufficiently easy, but also mildly impressive recipe to make. If you're making cookies for a party of people you don't know that well but think are really cool, the natural desire is for your cookies to knock their socks off so they will want to be your friend, even if it's just to eat more of your cookies.

That's right, I'm a manipulative bitch!

I would also like to take this time to point out that I GOT A NEW KITCHEN FURNITURE THINGY AND NOW HAVE A COUNTERTOP.

LOOK AT IT.

Now I don't have to balance mixing bowls and ingredients on my stovetop / in my sink! YAY FOR A COUNTERTOP!

So yeah...

Color Me Vegan had a nice little cookie in the brown section of the book...

Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies Pg 83

These cookies are basically supposed to be like the cherry cordials you eat at Christmastime. I don't know if you really do eat them at Christmastime, but my freshman year roommate told me this one time and it's never left my brain.

So whatever season they're supposed to be made in, I didn't care, because I made them on May 29th and it somehow worked out without the magic of Christmas lights and tinsel.

Anywho, as a typical baking recipe, please empty your pantry and put all your baking supplies out on your countertop.

First step: make your egg! Mix together a tablespoon of ground flaxseed and 3 tablespoons of warm water!

YUMMMM.

Next step: cream together your 'egg' with a cup of sugar and half a cup of butter (and then mix in a tsp of vanilla extract!)

Once you've got your creamy fatty sugary goodness over there, get a new bowl and mix together the dry ingredients!

That situation there is a combo deal of 1 1/2 cups of flour, 1/2 cup baking cocoa, 1/4 tsp baking powder, 1/4 tsp baking soda, and 1/4 tsp salt. It's a lovely little bowl full of puffy chocolatey goodness.

Also, I made my FIRST FLOURY MESS ON MY  NEW COUNTERTOP! SO EXCITED! LOOK AT IT!

NOW COMBINE THESE TWO BOWLS OF GOODNESS.

Your dough will be kinda dry and crumbley, but when you pick some up and mash it together into a ball, it creates and nice little non-greasy ball of chocolately dough.

PS: I ate like half the dough because I'm a fat bitch and I love chocolate foods, especially cookie doughs.

Also, my GOD the dough was delightful.

I WILL BE FAT FOREVER WITH THIS DOUGH.

Anyways, then you make your chocolate sauce. The recipe told me to use 1/2 a cup of chocolate chips, but I couldn't find any vegan chocolate chips at the Asian grocery store (shocker) so I got semisweet chocolate baking squares instead.

You heat your chocolate up with 1/4 cup of the milk of your choice (my choice was Almond Dream, because on top of being a fat bitch, I'm a poor bitch, and it was on sale).

Then, you put in 4 tsp of maraschino cherry juice in there.

When it's all nice and gooey, turn off the heat. Then chop up some marschino cherries in half and put them aside.

Make your dough into balls then put a thumbprint on each one...then put a cherry half on each thumbprint!

SO. FUCKING. CUTE. !!!! !  ! ! !!

Then, drizzle some chocolate sauce on the cherry to cover it up and bake those little cherry babies in the 350 degree oven for 10 minutes.

WHEN THEY'RE DONE YOU WILL WANT TO EAT ALL OF THEM. BUT REFRAIN FROM DOING SO, BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVE TO IMPRESS YOUR SOON-TO-BE-FRIENDS AND SHOWING UP EMPTY-HANDED AND 30 LBS HEAVIER IS NOT THE WAY TO DO THAT.

So maybe just eat one??

 [[OR FIVE ?!]]

YummyYummyYummy. <3

RATINGS:

Ease of preparation: 2/5
So many steps. It's a baking recipe, so it's to be expected, but now I have a million dishes to clean and the wait for my cookies was long. *Grumble.*

Deliciousness: 4/5
These cookies were heavenly. Yum. I wish the dough were a little chewier, though, so maybe next time I'll put a second 'egg' in there.

Prettiness: 5/5
Chocolate covered chocolate goodness with a hidden bright red cherry inside! CUTE AS ALL HELL.

One of Those WTF Recipes

I have a morbid curiousity when it comes to food.

If it sounds disgusting, I have to try it. (Hence my attempt at cinnamon spaghetti and the hajiki seaweed delightfulness).

So when I saw a recipe in Vegan A Go-Go! that looked like someone literally threw a bunch of leftover pantry items into a pan and made some weird crap, I had to try it.

Matthew's Spicy Tomato, Peanut, and Kale Pasta Pg 97

To make the pasta sauce, you will mix tomato juice, peanut butter, chopped kale, and an asian chili garlic sauce.

Disgusting, right?! Why would ANYONE mix these things together?

So here I freaking go.

Chop up your kale!

Also, if you're wondering what that white thing is on my hand, it's this really fuckin' cool ring I got from my friend Emily, who has a vegan ceramic jewelry shop at http://www.themorosebee.etsy.com. I feel like her personal advertiser, because I'm always telling people about her shop, but I DON'T FUCKING CARE BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME.

First you cook the tomato juice and kale in a large pan over medium-high heat. You want your kale to be nice and tender!

Then, you're gonna mix in the peanut butter...

And then the chili-garlic sauce!

So while all this is going on, you're also going to be cooking your choice of pasta. If you don't know how to cook pasta, I'm not telling you. Because you should know that. So if you don't know how, please slap yourself in the face and then go consult a basic cooking book.

When it's all done, slap your sauce over the noodles and prepare for a feast!

~*BRIGHT ORANGE SAUCE ALERT*~

The sauce will taste kind of like an Asian peanut sauce. But not. The tomato juice base really balances out the spiciness of the chili-garlic sauce and the sweetness of the peanut butter, creating a conglomeration of god-knows-what with bits of delicious, tender kale. It will inspire your taste palatte and fill your tummy.

RATINGS:

Ease of preparation: 5/5
Chop, cook, mix! That's all there is to it!

Deliciousness: 3/5
Tastes like a decent pasta dinner. It didn't knock my socks off, though. I guess the fact that the ingredients should create a vomit-tasting pile of slosh and then they don't should be super impressive (and it definitely is) but it doesn't make this dish AMAZING. Just kinda good. Anyways, it's super easy and it's really filling so it's a good recipe to have on file for a hectic night.

Prettiness: 2/5
I rarely find bright orange sauces to be appetizing, but that could just be my personal preference. Regardless, I'm writing this blog, so the ratings will be how I want them, bitches!

<3

Chicken Salad (Minus Breakfast Slurpees)

So one of my friends has a lot of stories about "Chicken Salad" - an old coworker who was nasty as HELL. She drank a huge slurpee thing before work every day, she ate food with her fingers...there are more stories about her nast-ness but that's beyond the point.

When I was flipping through Vegan A Go-Go! I came across a faux chicken salad recipe. I laughed my ass off when I remembered Chicken Salad and decided that I must try this recipe, if only because it reminds me of hilarious stories.

Faux Chicken Salad Pg 51

According to the book,this recipe is sure to impress. Therefore, I had high expectations.

First, you're gonna cube the loaf of tempeh, so it's reminiscent of cubes of chicken (gross?)

Then, you're going to steam up the little cubie-pies. I don't have a steamer, so I did this the crude way: put a little water in a shallow pan, let it start to boil, then throw the tempeh into the mix. The water will evaporate and steam up the tempeh.

 While you wait for your cubie-pies to cool, you're gonna make the sauce for the salad fiesta. Mix 1/2 cup of the vegan mayonnaise of your choice, 2 tsp of mustard, and 2 tsp of tamari.

BTdubs: I used dijon mustard because another recipe I want to try called for dijon. I would like to note that I think this MADE the recipe. I can't imagine it with yellow mustard....seems too bland in my imagination.

Then, once your sauce is made, you're gonna dice up a dill pickle, half an onion, some fresh parsley, a garlic clove, and a celery stalk.

 I think this could have done with more celery and less onion, but that's just me. I am also obsessed with celery, and since I used dijon mustard, the onion's bite wasn't as intense. I also didn't have parsley so I used fresh dill instead. Fate? I think so. It was fucking DELIGHTFUL.

So once you're done, you're gonna throw it all together.

AND SLAP IT ON SOME TOAST (WITH SOME ARUGALA MAYBE?!)

 AND THEN EAT IT.

This definitely DID impress. I'm bringing this gloriousness into work as a sandwich tomorrow! YUMTASTIC!

RATINGS:

Ease of preparation: 5/5 
Seriously could not have been easier. Unless I actually had a steamer. :-]

Deliciousness: 5/5  
AMAZING. Delightful! Absolutely scrumptious. I will probably use this as a staple lunch option from now on. :-]

Prettines: 3/5
With the toast and the arugala, it had a nice little contrast of colors, but other than that it's kind of boring. Chunky stuff in brownish sauce.

Cinnamon Spaghetti Fail

So, I decided to make the weirdest, most potentially gross thing ever from the Cafe Flora Cookbook.

Cinnamon Tomato Sauce Pg 132

I wanted to make this because I have an assload of pasta in my pantry and needed someway to get rid of it.

So, funny story...this recipe requires some red wine. Now, I have never opened a bottle of wine before, but I do have a wine bottle opener. So I was like, dude, how hard can this be? Let's buy some wine and do this!

So I got this wine.

Yes, I'm ridiculous, and I bought wine because it says bastard on it and has a funny picture. Either way, I was excited.

Then what the hell did I do?

I fucking attempted to open the bottle and then broke the wine bottle opener and smacked myself in the face and then made the wine bottle unopenable by getting the metal screw-shaped thing stuck in the cork.

I'm fucking AWESOME.

So eventually I will make this weird tomato sauce when I buy a new wine bottle opener and some new wine. And then I will post a blog about how SUCCESSFUL I was at opening a damn bottle of wine.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M SO GOOD AT EVERYDAY NORMAL THINGS.

<3

Open Sesame

My obsession with Isa has gone overboard. <3

The other day, a friend of mine invite me over for some delicious vegan pizza from Cafe Flora. Yum! So I decided to bring a side dish of some sort as a way to feel less mooch-y. :-]

So I decided to go with Isa's Vegan With A Vengeance again. My crush on Isa has taken over my life, and now I need to constantly cook her delicious recipes as a way to cope with it.

Sesame Asparagus Pg 124

So to make this deliciously simple asparagus, you need only have asparagus (duh), sesame oil, 2 garlic cloves, some red pepper flakes, rice vinegar, soy sauce, and sesame seeds.

I didn't have straight up sesame seeds, so I used this black sesame seed furikake I had lying around.

Also, I like to play with my food.

 
So anyways, you sautee some minced garlic in some sesame oil....

Then you throw in some soy sauce and rice vinegar...

Then you throw in the 'sparagus! And sesame seeds!

THEN YOU FIERCELY COOK THAT SHIT!

THEN IT SHOULD BE DONE IN ABOUT 2.4 MINUTES BECAUSE DAMN DO THOSE LITTLE TREE SHAPED VEGGIES COOK FAST!

 
This made my whole apartment floor smell like sesame oil deliciousness for about 3 hours, by the way. If you ever want to make your  neighbors your friends, this is a good way to do it. Cook this shit, then invite them over to eat it.

Alternatively, if you want to piss them off, cook this shit then stand in your doorway and point and laugh at them and tell them you're not letting them eat you're delicious asparagus because they aren't worthy.

So anyways, there you go. Enjoy your veggies.

RATINGS:

Ease of preparation: 5/5
Took approximately 10 minutes. I like that.

Deliciousness: 4/5
A simple side dish, not overpowering and not bland. Would go well with many things.

Prettiness: 4/5
Cute little asparagus polka-dotted with sesame seeds! <3

Seaweed In The Sky With Diamonds

Vegan With A Vengeance is cool.

So I decided to make...

Hajiki-Chickpea Salad Sammiches Pg 106

I FREAKING MISS TUNA FISH SANDWICHES. I WANT SOME TUNA FISH SANDWICH DELICIOUSNESS RIGHT NOW. LUCKILY, I STILL HAVE A FUCKTON IN THE FRIDGE AS LEFTOVERS FROM MY RECIPE CONCOCTION.

So how in the hell do you make tuna fish sandwiches vegan? Well. For the tuna-y texture, you're going to use....

MASHED UP CHICKPEAS!

And then for the fishy flavor, you're going to use...

HAJIKI SEAWEED!

I would consider myself a seaweed freak. I even have giant chunks of seaweed in my vegan shampoo bar (it's called Seanik, I got it from Lush, GO GET SOME NOW).

So when I opened this baggie and was like WHAT THE FUCK!? You know this seaweed is some weird shit.

I guess I'm used to sheets of shiny seaweed that have a mild flavor and a slight crunch. These weird little things looked like dried up, burnt worms. They were super hard. They smelled like a fish's ASS.

I was displeased.

So being who I am, (aka: a person who eats grass on occasion because I'm a fucking weirdo), I decided to just go ahead and try it. Even though it made me want to barf all over myself.

So here's what you do with this shit: You pour a little hot boiling water over it. Then you cover it and let it sit for 15 minutes. To fucking rehydrate the dead worms after their dehydrating session inside a fish's ass.

So while you wait for fish-ass-worms to do their thing, you mash up the chickpeas and throw in some diced onions and a little vegenaise and some apple cider vinegar and salt/ pepper.

I was actually pretty well pleased with this by itself. I tried it, becasue even though I'm a weirdo and I sometimes eat stupid shit, I was kind of scared of the fish-ass-worms. So I was hoping it would be delicious enough that I could skip that step.

Delicious, but alas, I wanted that fishy taste. So I threw the now-rehydrated shit in there.

SURPRISINGLY, THE FISH-ASS-WORMS WERE LEGIT. They made my tuna fish sandwich taste (almost) like a legit tuna fish sandwich.

YUM.

Healthier for me AND the environment than a regular ol' tuna fish sandwich.

MAKE THIS SHIT, FOOLS.

WHY?

BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO.

THEN MAIL ME SOME BECAUSE I'M A FAT BITCH AND I CAN'T GET ENOUGH. <3

LOVE,

SEAWEED FREAK

RATINGS:

Ease of Preparation: 5/5
Literally just mashed a bunch of shit together. No cooking involved. Awesome!

Deliciousness: 4/5
Tastes delicious! But alas, if you're looking for something that can replace your old tuna fish sandwich, you will likely be disappointed. It's delicious in its own right, and it's definitely COMPARABLE to a tuna fish sandwich, but it's not the same.

Prettiness: 3/5
Ummm.....it's a sandwich. <3