Rye Rye Rye Vegan Rye Rye

Well whaddya know? This bitch loves rye whiskey.

I have tried a variety of whiskeys. I have really tried to understand what the fuck is so great about whiskey.

To me, whiskey just tasted like woodsy acid. I never understood the appeal of drinking something that tastes like you're biting into a tree and it's burning your mouth with liquid chemicals. Especially when you have the option to drink something as delicious as tequila, instead.

Then the other day, a coworker had me try Knob Creek rye whiskey. DAYUM.

It was carmely, spicy, and still had that woodsy-ness (but it wasn't nasty anymore because all the other flavors worked so well with it).

RYE WHISKEY, HELLO. WELCOME TO MY HOUSE.

So the other day I was in Portland. Portland is in Oregon. Oregon does not have outrageous liquor tax laws like my beloved Washington does.

I went a little cray-cray and bought a bunch of liquor. Including some rye whiskey!

And guess what! A manhattan is vegan! (As long as you check barnivore, to make sure your whiskey is vegan!)

GO GET YOUR MANHATTAN ON, BITCHES

The animals will thank you!

2 1/2 oz rye whiskey
3/4 oz sweet vermouth
3 - 4 dashes angostura bitters
1 maraschino cherry

Combine whiskey, sweet vermouth, and bitters into a mixing glass with ice. Shake gently. Put cherry into a chilled cocktail glass, strain drink over the cherry.

DRINK IT

BITCH.

SINCERELY,

RYE WHISKEY FAN

AND

LOVER OF ALL THINGS WITH CHERRIES

Kentucky Moonshine by Maurer, David W. [Paperback] (Google Affiliate Ad)

"The Master Cleanse"

I would like to take advantage of the fact that this blog allows me to rant about things related to food.

Anyone ever heard of "The Master Cleanse"?

I am going to talk about how much I DO NOT support people trying this ridiculous fast.

You drink a concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. All day. For two weeks straight.

You don't eat any food.

If you're not shitting enough (because you know, you're not eating) you are allowed to drink an herbal laxative tea at night. You're also allowed to drink straight salt water.

The supposed benefits? Detoxifying your body.

The problem: While you're not taking in enough calories or vitamins or minerals or ANY nutrients, your body dips into stores of these nutrients robbing your body of energy and vitality.

You also will likely lose weight, mostly water and muscle weight.

Fasting robs your intestines of healthy bacteria, meaning your digestive and immune systems will get fucked up.

And to top that all off: our livers already detoxify our body. That's what they're for.

ALTERNATIVES:

If you want to 'detoxify' your body, boost your liver health so it can do it's job more effectively.

Avoid excessive alcohol consumption. Quit smoking. Avoid white sugar, and avoid sweetened foods in general. Avoid overly processed foods. Maintain a healthy weight, and if you're not at a healthy weight, get there.

Basically don't give your liver a bunch of extra work to do.

If you're REALLY concerned about your liver health, you can take a milk thistle supplement and make sure to eat plenty of sulfur-rich foods.

Moral of the story:


Stop hurting yourself while trying to help yourself. <3

Want more information? Check out a couple of these links:

CNCA Health
WebMD
Dr. Mercola's Ideas on "The Master Cleanse"

Vegan, Gluten Free, Sugar Free Delicious Tiny Strawberry Pies

This is the most absurdly allergy-friendly tasty treat there ever fucking was.

I used this recipe from Food 52 to make a vegan pie crust that was flaky and delicious for some random vegan tofu quiche I made a while ago. I decided to make it with gluten free flour instead of regular flour....and see if it was delicious or nasty.

Turns out, it's not so bad. I just substiutted Bob's Red Mill gluten free flour and a little xantham gum for the normal flour. It tastes a little crumblier, but that's not bad for a pie crust anyways.

I also substituted coconut sugar for the sugar. And it's only a tablespoon anyways for the whole batch, so that's practically nothing.

I stuck it in the fridge and decided to save it for "later," if I decided to make quiche again or make some other random pie thing.

"Later" turned into this morning, when I decided I wanted to bake it and throw frozen strawberries on top and have a teensy little strawberry shortcake for breakfast. 

Healthy? Not particularly. But it's better than a greasy breakfast wrap or a mocha or a pile of pancakes, so suck my balls.

All I did was take the cold dough out of the fridge, let it warm up on the counter for a bit until it was roll-able, and spread it out in a tiny tart tin that I have. I put that in a 425 degree oven for 5 minutes, then threw the frozen strawberries on top and put it back in for ten more minutes.

^ Crust, all alone.

^ Crust, all covered in frozen berries.


TASTY!

AND VEGAN AND GLUTEN FREE AND ALMOST NO ADDED SUGAR!

GOOD FUCKING MORNING

^ Cooked and toasty and warm and gooey and sweet!


RATINGS:

Deliciousness: 4/5
It tastes good and simple and the crust is decent. It was a knock-your-socks-off crust with regular flour, and the gluten-free flour knocked it down to just four stars. Not bad for a crust, though!

Ease of Preparation: 3/5
Cutting in the coconut oil was annoying, but it's just time-consuming. Worth it.

Prettiness: 5/5
FANCY TART LOOK AT HOW FANCY YOU ARE

Hello, Bandwagon.

Ok, so I'm joining the fad.

For two weeks, I'm cutting gluten out of my diet to see how my body responds.

I honestly always thought that the gluten-free thing was stupid. I understand that for those with Celiac disease, it's obviously a health issue and being gluten-free is necessary to live a normal life. But for people who just want to jump on the bandwagon for weight-loss? I thought they were fucking morons.

I was judgmentally researching the gluten-free thing the other day, and I realized...I actually have some similar problems to people who have gluten sensitivity.

I KNOW I'm lactose intolerant. I've never been tested, but when I have dairy, my digestive system basically screams FUCK YOU and makes me sick for a good two hours. To avoid being sick, I avoid dairy. Simple, right?

Well sometimes, my digestive system just gets all fucked up from something I've eaten, and I assume there must have been some dairy in it. Even if it's a home-cooked meal, and I've put all the ingredients in myself. I don't know why the hell I think that, it's asinine. If I didn't put dairy in it, there's no dairy.

I also, by the end of the day, always have a cramped, bloated, uncomfortable stomach. Every single night. I thought this was normal. Again, I don't know why the hell I thought this was normal.

I'll let you in on a secret: I used to be anorexic / bulimic, for about 5 years of my life. It was a shitty five years. Once I started recovering, I just assumed my stomach issues were because I'd fucked up my digestive system by starving it / overloading it periodically for years. 

So after doing a little research, I think I'm going to try the gluten-free thing for two weeks and see how I feel. Maybe I did just destroy my digestive system by being sick for years. But maybe I'm also sensitive to gluten. Who knows?

GOODBYE BREAD

I HOPE YOU'RE THE CULPRIT BEHIND MY STOMACH PAIN

For the next two weeks, I'll document my weird gluten-free recipes. I'll be 100% honest: I think gluten free baked goods taste like shit. But I'm gonna make some gluten-free scones. And hopefully they won't be nasty.