Banana Nutty Cookies (With Chocolate)

So. It's time for something sweet.

A new friend of mine is vegan AND gluten-free. Crazy! I can't imagine living like that, only because I LOVE the crap out of bread.

So it was a challenge, to say the least, to make a vegan / gf treat for her.

Lucky for me, Oh She Glows is an amazing website full of good recipes for allergy-riddled friends. ;)

When I saw this recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, I was pretty intrigued.

So here I am, making a bunch of cookies.

Guess what? I DIDN'T BUY ANY FUCKING VEGAN BUTTER.

I = DUMBASS.

So instead of butter, I mashed up a banana and used that instead.

I can't even really tell you why I did that, except that I vaguely remember substituting fruit puree for oil in previous recipes.

The outcome was delectable. I win.

Here's my altered recipe:

Ingredients
1 tbsp ground flax + 3 tbsp warm water
1/2 a banana, mashed up like a motherfucker into a nice banana-butter
1/4 cup natural unsalted peanut butter
1/2 cup lightly packed brown sugar
1/4 cup turbinado sugar
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 cup gluten free oats, ground into a flour
3/4 cup hazelnuts, ground into a flour
1/4 cup almonds, ground into a flour
1/3 cup allergy-friendly chocolate chips

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 350F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. In a small bowl, mix together the flax egg and set aside for 5 minutes so it can thicken up.
2. With an electric mixer or in a stand mixer, beat the banana and peanut butter until combined. Add both sugars and beat for 1 minute more. Beat in flax egg until combined.
3. Beat in the remaining dry ingredients (baking soda, baking powder, salt, oat flour, hazelnut flour, and almond flour) one by one. If your dough is dry (this could be the case if too much flour is used), you can add a splash of almond milk to thin it out. Fold in chocolate chips.

4. Shape 1-inch balls of dough (smaller than golf balls) and place on the baking sheet. If the chocolate chips aren't sticking to the dough, just press them in with your fingers. There's no need to flatten the balls as the cookies spread out a lot. Place balls 2 - 3 inches apart.
5. Bake for about 11 - 13 minutes until lightly golden. The underside will also be a rich golden brown shade. The cookies will be very soft coming out of the oven, but they will harden as they cool. Allow to cool for 5 - 10 minutes on the baking sheet, then transfer to a cooling rack for another 10 minutes. Sprinkle cookies with flaked sea salt to bring out the peanut butter flavor.

SHIT TASTES GOOD

RATINGS:

Deliciousness: 5/5
Not even a 'good for something vegan and gluten free' type delicious. Just straight up delicious. TASTES LIKE HEAVEN

Prettiness: 3/5
Whatever, they're cookies.

Ease of Preparation: 4/5
Just grindin' shit and mixin' shit.

Chocolate Vegan Sugarless Truffles

Delicous alternative to traditional chocolate desserts?

Bring it.

Here we have this nice lil' recipe from Cristina Colli. It's full of good things for you!

[[Note: Link no longer works!]]

I altered the ingredients a little bit. So here's what I used:

43g prunes
15g peanut butter
15g tahini
30g coconut oil
20g cacao powder
15g shredded unsweetened coconut
18g flaxseed

Here's what you do with all that shit!

1. Place all the dry ingredients (coconut, cacao powder, flaxseeds) in a food processor and pulse to mix.

2. Add prunes and blend until it becomes a crumbly mixture.

3. Add tahini, oil, and peanut butter to mix. Blend until it's all goopy.

4. Roll the paste out in your hands into tiny little balls.

5. EAT THEM

6. DON'T LET YOUR DOG EAT THEM BECAUSE CHOCOLATE IS POISON TO DOGS

(Jackson is pictured here, sad and starving.)

RATINGS:

Deliciousness: 5/5
Best indulgent treat that makes you kinda feel healthy. Kinda.

Prettiness: 2/5
Kinda looks like balls of poop. But if you cover it in flaked coconut, that might be cute. Or look like balls of bird poop.

Ease of Preparation: 4/5
You just mix it all up. Kind of a mess, but hey! It's a fun mess.

Volunteer Trip to Europe!

Good afternoon, blogging buddies.

I haven't talked much about it on my blog, because I haven't been posting much in general on my blog...but I have an amazing trip coming up.

My best friend Mahalia and I will be volunteering on organic farms in Europe for about 8 months.

We will be leaving on September 4th and coming home in late April of next year.

Both of us come from weird family situations that make going to college at this point in our lives financially irresponsible. However, we both really want to feel productive and do something with ourselves in the time that we have to wait until we can be independent on our FAFSA's.

So we're using wwoof.org to travel to Europe and volunteer at a variety of farms, to help people out and to learn new skills. We will also be busking with our instruments along the way.

Since I'd really love to be a nutritionist one way, I'm excited about the opportunity to work with food from the ground up (pun intended!) I feel like this is not only an amazing way to see the world and connect with new people, but also an amazing learning experience for me.

Mahalia's considering pursuing music or working with animals, so this is obviously a fantastic way for her to learn if either of those paths would be suitable for her.

We've made a little fundraising page.

Our fundraising page!

If you feel inspired to donate to our cause, please do! We want to work with and for the community! Hopefully we can also get a little boost from our own communities to get out there and achieve this goal.

Bon Matin Muffins

Muffins that scream good morning!

Here they are! Screaming at you!

BON MATIN GOOD MORNING GOEDEMORGEN GUTEN MORGEN

Got this recipe from "Vegan With A Vengeance". Changed it up, just a teensy bit!

1/2 cup raisins
1 1/4 cups whole wheat flour
1/4 cup millet flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
1/4 cup brown rice syrup
1/2 tsp salt
4/5 cup soy milk
1/4 cup melted coconut oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups grated carrot
1/4 cup hemp seed hearts
1/4 cup cocoa nibs

I decided to add the hemp seeds because they're full of good fats, vitamins and minerals. They also add a nice nutty flavor and a little bit of seedy texture.

As for the cocoa nibs, I personally tried them a few months ago when I went to the Theo chocolate factory here in Seattle. They gave us samples of tasty goodness throughout the tour, including these little cocoa nibs. The nibs are just cocoa beans that have been separated from their shell and roasted. They're full of vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants. They kind of taste like ground espresso beans; not sweet, but cocoa-y and crunchy. Adds a GREAT texture to baked goods!

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Put lil' papers in your muffin tin.

Soak the raisins in a bowl of hot water (so they get all nice and plump) and begin preparing the batter.

In a large mixing bowl, mix flours, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt.

Create a well in the center and add the milk, oil, brown rice syrup, and vanilla; mix with a wooden spoon until just combined.

Fold in grated carrots, drained raisins, cocoa nibs, and hemp seed hearts.

Fill muffin tins 3/4 of the way full. Bake for 18 - 22 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of one comes out clean. Let cool on a cooling rack.

EAT THEM THANGS

RATINGS:

Deliciousness: 4/5
Variety of textures, just the right amount of sweetness, a nice cakey crumble. It's great! Not life-changing, but delicious enough to be very happy afterwards. :)

Ease of Preparation: 3/5
Grating carrots takes a long time. Other than that, simple.

Prettiness: 4/5 
Look at all them colors and stuff.

Rye Rye Rye Vegan Rye Rye

Well whaddya know? This bitch loves rye whiskey.

I have tried a variety of whiskeys. I have really tried to understand what the fuck is so great about whiskey.

To me, whiskey just tasted like woodsy acid. I never understood the appeal of drinking something that tastes like you're biting into a tree and it's burning your mouth with liquid chemicals. Especially when you have the option to drink something as delicious as tequila, instead.

Then the other day, a coworker had me try Knob Creek rye whiskey. DAYUM.

It was carmely, spicy, and still had that woodsy-ness (but it wasn't nasty anymore because all the other flavors worked so well with it).

RYE WHISKEY, HELLO. WELCOME TO MY HOUSE.

So the other day I was in Portland. Portland is in Oregon. Oregon does not have outrageous liquor tax laws like my beloved Washington does.

I went a little cray-cray and bought a bunch of liquor. Including some rye whiskey!

And guess what! A manhattan is vegan! (As long as you check barnivore, to make sure your whiskey is vegan!)

GO GET YOUR MANHATTAN ON, BITCHES

The animals will thank you!

2 1/2 oz rye whiskey
3/4 oz sweet vermouth
3 - 4 dashes angostura bitters
1 maraschino cherry

Combine whiskey, sweet vermouth, and bitters into a mixing glass with ice. Shake gently. Put cherry into a chilled cocktail glass, strain drink over the cherry.

DRINK IT

BITCH.

SINCERELY,

RYE WHISKEY FAN

AND

LOVER OF ALL THINGS WITH CHERRIES

Kentucky Moonshine by Maurer, David W. [Paperback] (Google Affiliate Ad)

"The Master Cleanse"

I would like to take advantage of the fact that this blog allows me to rant about things related to food.

Anyone ever heard of "The Master Cleanse"?

I am going to talk about how much I DO NOT support people trying this ridiculous fast.

You drink a concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. All day. For two weeks straight.

You don't eat any food.

If you're not shitting enough (because you know, you're not eating) you are allowed to drink an herbal laxative tea at night. You're also allowed to drink straight salt water.

The supposed benefits? Detoxifying your body.

The problem: While you're not taking in enough calories or vitamins or minerals or ANY nutrients, your body dips into stores of these nutrients robbing your body of energy and vitality.

You also will likely lose weight, mostly water and muscle weight.

Fasting robs your intestines of healthy bacteria, meaning your digestive and immune systems will get fucked up.

And to top that all off: our livers already detoxify our body. That's what they're for.

ALTERNATIVES:

If you want to 'detoxify' your body, boost your liver health so it can do it's job more effectively.

Avoid excessive alcohol consumption. Quit smoking. Avoid white sugar, and avoid sweetened foods in general. Avoid overly processed foods. Maintain a healthy weight, and if you're not at a healthy weight, get there.

Basically don't give your liver a bunch of extra work to do.

If you're REALLY concerned about your liver health, you can take a milk thistle supplement and make sure to eat plenty of sulfur-rich foods.

Moral of the story:


Stop hurting yourself while trying to help yourself. <3

Want more information? Check out a couple of these links:

CNCA Health
WebMD
Dr. Mercola's Ideas on "The Master Cleanse"

Vegan, Gluten Free, Sugar Free Delicious Tiny Strawberry Pies

This is the most absurdly allergy-friendly tasty treat there ever fucking was.

I used this recipe from Food 52 to make a vegan pie crust that was flaky and delicious for some random vegan tofu quiche I made a while ago. I decided to make it with gluten free flour instead of regular flour....and see if it was delicious or nasty.

Turns out, it's not so bad. I just substiutted Bob's Red Mill gluten free flour and a little xantham gum for the normal flour. It tastes a little crumblier, but that's not bad for a pie crust anyways.

I also substituted coconut sugar for the sugar. And it's only a tablespoon anyways for the whole batch, so that's practically nothing.

I stuck it in the fridge and decided to save it for "later," if I decided to make quiche again or make some other random pie thing.

"Later" turned into this morning, when I decided I wanted to bake it and throw frozen strawberries on top and have a teensy little strawberry shortcake for breakfast. 

Healthy? Not particularly. But it's better than a greasy breakfast wrap or a mocha or a pile of pancakes, so suck my balls.

All I did was take the cold dough out of the fridge, let it warm up on the counter for a bit until it was roll-able, and spread it out in a tiny tart tin that I have. I put that in a 425 degree oven for 5 minutes, then threw the frozen strawberries on top and put it back in for ten more minutes.

^ Crust, all alone.

^ Crust, all covered in frozen berries.


TASTY!

AND VEGAN AND GLUTEN FREE AND ALMOST NO ADDED SUGAR!

GOOD FUCKING MORNING

^ Cooked and toasty and warm and gooey and sweet!


RATINGS:

Deliciousness: 4/5
It tastes good and simple and the crust is decent. It was a knock-your-socks-off crust with regular flour, and the gluten-free flour knocked it down to just four stars. Not bad for a crust, though!

Ease of Preparation: 3/5
Cutting in the coconut oil was annoying, but it's just time-consuming. Worth it.

Prettiness: 5/5
FANCY TART LOOK AT HOW FANCY YOU ARE

Hello, Bandwagon.

Ok, so I'm joining the fad.

For two weeks, I'm cutting gluten out of my diet to see how my body responds.

I honestly always thought that the gluten-free thing was stupid. I understand that for those with Celiac disease, it's obviously a health issue and being gluten-free is necessary to live a normal life. But for people who just want to jump on the bandwagon for weight-loss? I thought they were fucking morons.

I was judgmentally researching the gluten-free thing the other day, and I realized...I actually have some similar problems to people who have gluten sensitivity.

I KNOW I'm lactose intolerant. I've never been tested, but when I have dairy, my digestive system basically screams FUCK YOU and makes me sick for a good two hours. To avoid being sick, I avoid dairy. Simple, right?

Well sometimes, my digestive system just gets all fucked up from something I've eaten, and I assume there must have been some dairy in it. Even if it's a home-cooked meal, and I've put all the ingredients in myself. I don't know why the hell I think that, it's asinine. If I didn't put dairy in it, there's no dairy.

I also, by the end of the day, always have a cramped, bloated, uncomfortable stomach. Every single night. I thought this was normal. Again, I don't know why the hell I thought this was normal.

I'll let you in on a secret: I used to be anorexic / bulimic, for about 5 years of my life. It was a shitty five years. Once I started recovering, I just assumed my stomach issues were because I'd fucked up my digestive system by starving it / overloading it periodically for years. 

So after doing a little research, I think I'm going to try the gluten-free thing for two weeks and see how I feel. Maybe I did just destroy my digestive system by being sick for years. But maybe I'm also sensitive to gluten. Who knows?

GOODBYE BREAD

I HOPE YOU'RE THE CULPRIT BEHIND MY STOMACH PAIN

For the next two weeks, I'll document my weird gluten-free recipes. I'll be 100% honest: I think gluten free baked goods taste like shit. But I'm gonna make some gluten-free scones. And hopefully they won't be nasty.